Anger after Betrayal
After betrayal I didn’t recognize myself. I was hypervigilant. Distrustful. Resentful. Spiteful. Controlling. Jealous. I destroyed things. I was mean. I didn’t like who I had become. I was so incredibly angry at the violation and injustice I felt.
I also remember feeling like if I wasn’t expressing anger then I was “letting him off the hook.” I felt like I needed to constantly remind him so he wouldn’t forget and do it again. I was scared to let go of my anger, because what if that meant what he did to me was okay?
It is SO important for us to talk about anger after betrayal because it’s such a normal, valid and incredibly common feeling. Unfortunately, the topic of anger is often overlooked, or even worse, pathologized by mental health professionals. Betrayed partners have reported being labeled with personality disorders because of their anger. They have been called co-addicts and codependents. They have been told that their anger is partly to blame for the betrayal. So now, not only has their life been blown up by the person they loved and trusted, the people they turn to for help may have told them they are at fault and that their feelings are irrational and/or a barrier to recovery. This is completely unacceptable.
A Betrayal Trauma Anger Survey administered to 297 participants by Hollenbeck & Steffens (2024) revealed the following:
84% of betrayed partners reported anger greater than they had ever previously experienced
66% reported feeling trapped in their anger
39% reported not receiving help from a professional in regard to their anger
47% reported feeling judged for expressing their anger
So let’s take this opportunity to acknowledge anger after betrayal.
It’s normal.
It’s healthy
It makes sense.
It can serve a purpose. It can be protective. It can be motivating.
It lets us know when our boundaries have been crossed.
So this is your reminder: You are allowed to feel and express your anger in an appropriate way
With that in mind, results of Hollenbeck & Steffen’s 2024 survey also showed that 76 % of betrayed partners reported that after betrayal they acted in ways that were uncharacteristic for them (yelling, cursing, throwing, hitting, etc.
Another result of Hollenbeck and Steffen’s 2024 survey was that 83.5% of respondents reported staying in the relationship with the betraying individual. The reason I bring this up is that if we allow our anger to turn to toxic behaviours, this actually works against the goal of repair. This doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be consequences. This doesn’t mean we aren’t allowed to have boundaries. This doesn’t mean we aren’t allowed to express our anger. I want to emphasize that.
But abuse is still never okay.
I learned that while my anger was normal and justifiable, I was still responsible for how I expressed my anger. And this meant learning to acknowledge, validate and process my anger in healthy ways.
Here are some tips for processing and expressing your anger:
-Start with reminding yourself you have every right to be angry. Don’t deny or minimize your feelings
-Explore what emotions might be under the anger. Anger is often a secondary emotion covering fear, sadness, humiliation, shame, guilt or powerlessness. When we dig a little deeper, we often get more information about what is going on for us, which can tell us more about what we really need.
-When the anger is beginning to boil, remove yourself from the situation if possible. Move your body. Go for a walk. Go for a run. Punch a pillow. Listen to loud music. Take a cold shower. Smash ice cubes. Visit a “rage room.” Call a friend and ask if you can vent. Write a “no send” letter to the betraying partner and say anything and everything ugly you want to say. Have you ever noticed if you are really angry and then you break something, that it can feel like a huge relief? This is because there has been a discharge of energy and this can be really healthy, as long as we discharge it appropriately!
- Most importantly, know that you don’t have to heal alone. There is no reason you should have to process your anger by yourself or with judgemental or unsupportive people around you. Know that you can always book a free 20-minute consultation with us by clicking here and we can support you along your healing + rediscovery journey.
Trigger Toolkit: discover proven strategies to manage overwhelming emotions after betrayal
What if you didn’t feel like you're losing your sh*t so that you could finally feel like you were on the way to picking up the pieces after discovery?
Our free workbook, Managing Betrayal Trauma Triggers (aka the trigger toolkit), is designed to provide you with tools and strategies that can help you regain control and find peace.
You will get instant access to:
✨ Learn why certain things set you off so you can feel calmer, stay in control, and handle situations instead of feeling like everything is always falling apart
✨ Several practical, free and easy coping techniques you can learn to navigate any triggers that come up
✨ Uplifting reminders, playlist, and affirmations that aren’t just fluff and empty words but a way through your current experience