Reclaiming Identity after Infidelity
"I Feel as Though I Have Been Stolen": Reclaiming Identity After Infidelity
“I feel as though I have been stolen.”
Those were the words someone once cried to me, and I felt them in my bones. Nothing else quite captures that hollow feeling of losing yourself after betrayal.
After discovery, I didn’t know who I was anymore. I was angry, fearful, hypervigilant, jealous, and insecure. I felt insignificant and worthless. I didn’t feel joy. I didn’t feel excitement or motivation or hope. And I didn’t feel love.
I no longer had hobbies. I didn’t want to see people. I was just existing, and sometimes it felt like barely even that.The years of life behind me felt like a lie. The vacations. The cuddles. The inside jokes. The milestones. All of them, an illusion.
My dreams and plans and hopes for the future. All decimated in an instant.
What do you do when your past and your future disappear all at once, taking with them your passion, delight and even your will to live?
Dr. Gabor Maté says that the loss of a sense of self is the essence of trauma, and that the purpose of healing is to reconnect with that lost self.
“People often think that trauma is what happens to you. But trauma is not what happens to you. It’s what happens inside of you as a result of what happens to you. And if trauma is what happened inside of you, the wound that you sustained, the meaning you made of it, the way you then came to believe certain things about yourself, or the world or other people, if trauma was that disconnection, from your authentic self, well guess what? Good news. That can be restored.”
-Gabor Maté
So there is the truth about healing that I resisted for a long time.
I was instrumental in my own recovery.I desperately wanted those who stole me to give me back what they had taken. But what they did could never be undone. So I had to forge ahead in a journey of reconnecting to my authentic self.
How did I do this?
Steps I Took to Reclaim My Identity After Betrayal
Healing was messy, but here are some of the things that helped me find myself again:
Travel: Experiencing new places and facing the unknown renewed my sense of independence and adventure.
Writing: Putting words to my experiences helped me process feelings and helped me begin to rewrite the chapters of my story
Hiking: Being in nature gave me a sense of calm and connection, and at the same time challenging my body made me realize how strong and capable I was
Mindfulness: Learning mindfulness tools taught me to be present with and witness my thoughts and emotions instead of avoiding them
Support Groups: Sharing my story with others who could relate provided me comfort and validation.
Volunteering: Giving back reminded me of my worth and purpose.
Painting and Creativity: Reconnecting with creativity sparked moments of joy and self-expression.
A New Job: Shifting my focus to something new gave me fresh energy and goals.
Therapy: Working through trauma with a professional allowed me to see my path forward more clearly.
Solitude and Silence: Spending time alone was challenging, but it helped me learn to feel whole within myself.
Crying: Acknowledging and allowing my grief taught me how to ride the waves of emotion. I always feel a sense of relief after a good cry
I spent a long time wanting those who hurt me to repair my broken heart. But whether they couldn’t or wouldn’t, I realized I didn’t want anyone to have that power over my life and identity anymore.
In Healing the Traumatized Self: Consciousness, Neuroscience & Treatment, Paul Frewen and Ruth Lanius note that trauma often causes people to shut down the parts of the brain that experience fear. However, this consequently also leads to a shutdown of the same feelings that allow us to experience our unique identity and ultimately “deadens the capacity to feel fully alive.” This shutdown explains why many traumatized people feel disconnected from their sense of purpose, identity, and direction.
Reconnecting with myself didn’t mean ignoring the anguish or pretending everything was okay. It meant exploring new and old ways of existing in a world that looked completely different. There is nothing about healing after relational trauma that is simple, I promise I am not suggesting that. But there is also truly nothing that could be summed up in a social media post, a blog post, or even a book that can actually simply lay out what recovery looks like because it's a complex and unique journey for each individual. It’s a
But here’s what I know for sure: it is possible to take back our power after betrayal. If you’re ready to start your healing journey, our betrayal recovery team is here to help. Book a free 20-minute consultation with us by clicking here and we can support you along your healing + rediscovery journey. You don’t have to go it alone.
the Guatemalan oasis we get to reclaim ourselves + rewrite our stories in May!
If you’re a more adventurous type, travelling has been a scared part of my healing + reclamation of my identity after betrayal journey and there’s truly nothing like getting out of your comfort zone and finding yourself surrounded by wild jungles, expansive water and kindred spirits.
It’s a dream come true for me to be able to offer an incredible 5 day healing journey to Guatemala in May 2025. If you’ve been looking for a women only retreat focused around rebuilding your identity after betrayal, find more information on how to join us here.