Understanding the Impact of Betrayal Trauma on the Brain

For me, learning about the impact of betrayal on the brain was GOLD. I had been tortured by not only incredibly painful and confusing symptoms for years, but I felt crazy, irrational, defective, dramatic and hypersensitive. I could not wrap my head around my sometimes wild outbursts, intense fluctuations in mood, hypervigilance and horrible intrusive thoughts.

I would often become overwhelmingly anxious and suspicious at even seemingly innocuous things like my partner didn’t answer his phone, if his tone of voice sounded different, or if he seemed distant or distracted. Even in a new and different relationship, I would pick up on subtle changes in patterns and behavior and would instantly be reliving the betrayal. It was so exhausting and at times, debilitating. And then I would berate myself. Why can’t I just get over this?

So I did a deep dive into the internet to figure out what was “wrong” with me. And what I found was unbelievably validating.

Our Internal Fire Alarm: The Amygdala

The amygdala is the area of our brain that is constantly scanning for signs of danger and it acts as our internal fire alarm. What I found particularly interesting was that the amygdala cannot differentiate between a real and perceived threat, nor can it determine degrees of danger. Danger is simply danger which is why even seemingly small changes in our environment can elicit very big, protective responses from us. For example, if our partner arrives home later than usual, our amygdala detects this “sign” that the betrayal is happening again and it immediately sends out a signal to the hypothalamus, which stimulates our autonomic nervous system (ANS), and triggers either or sympathetic nervous system (fight/flight response) or parasympathetic nervous system (freeze response).

Examples of fight/flight responses

anger
crying
controlling
blaming
anxiety/fear/panic
wanting to run away
restlessness

Examples of freeze responses

Numbness
Spacing out
fogginess/forgetfulness
Feeling paralyzed

What’s important to remember is that these responses are physiological and happen immediately. They are not conscious, they are not logical and they are not a choice. They are our brain and body’s way of trying to keep us safe.

This is also why we may continue to struggle with insecurity or “trust issues” even if we are in a new and safe relationship.

So what do we do? How do we heal from betrayal?

Because these are physiological, trying to think our way through them typically doesn’t work. We need a “bottom up” approach versus a “top down” approach.

Four tips for regulating your nervous system

Spend time with supportive people (or pets). Being with a calm person or an animal can have a positive, co-regulating effect on us, which means their nervous system can influence ours.
Engage your physical senses with soothing things like relaxing scents (lemongrass, lavender, vanilla, etc), nice music (youtube has many great calming playlists (classical music, running water, thunderstorms, etc), a hot drink like tea, warm milk and honey or apple cider (avoid caffeine as this can increase anxiety), a hot bath or shower, cozy pillows and blankets.
Deep breathing techniques- youtube is great for this as well!
Body movement (swaying/rocking, “shaking it out”, dancing, yoga, strength training, stretching, walking)

These are just basic starting tools for nervous system regulation. Healing the impact of betrayal trauma can take a time, patience and self-compassion. It’s also important to know that if the relationship is not safe, you cannot force yourself to feel safe, so finding emotional/physical safety must be the ultimate priority. I created a free guide below to help you figure out what tools you can implement to help you feel safe and start the recovery process.